Culminating Paper

I’m almost done with the latter half of my very first year in college and I honestly don’t even know what to feel. It surreal to me that I’m actually just a few months away before officially becoming a sophomore. Some people would say that the year went by too fast while others would be rejoicing as they mention how slow and dragging it was and I think our individual reactions to how fast or slow the year went by all depends on our overall experience of it. I would personally say that the year was extremely slow and every single day literally felt like it was three times slower than usual. Well, as I said, it all mainly depends on the overall experience of the individual and one might be able to guess that my 1st year in college wasn’t really that eventful.

Even though I thought that my first year was slow, saying that I didn’t learn anything substantial is too far of a stretch. First year college is probably the year where I learned the most new knowledge about all kinds of things as compared to my other academic years in Ateneo. Aside from the academics, I can also say that I was able to know a lot about myself more and experience change within myself and how I act towards others. Also, the fact that I was introduced to Soc Sci, being one of my minors for this second semester, also helped a lot in my realization of who I was and how one year of college actually changed me drastically.

The way I understand individual development / development of the self is when one person changes or develops in such a way wherein he/she begins to feel generally more happy and/or content about his/her life and based on what I understood, this, at most times, requires the help and support of others. In the first few days of college, I really had a difficult time making new friends. For some reason, I did not know how to strike a conversation and it’s as if I’ve lost all of my confidence, which was really unusual for me because I never really had that problem in the previous years of my school life. Back then, making friends was basically my forte and my confidence was at the highest level. Because of this sudden and unfortunate change, I wasn’t really able to make close friends throughout the rest of the year and I was never able to officially become part of a legitimate support group. This then probably explains why it all went down hill from there. The fact that I did not have any constant friends hindered me from developing, or at least, regaining the confidence I had in high school. Now, a lot of people probably view me as one of the introverts, which isn’t really a bad thing, but of course, it probably would’ve been so much better if I didn’t go through the sudden negative change.

As much as I didn’t like it, I was basically an introvert since the OrSem, up to now as I am writing this. There have been times wherein I was just alone during breaks, waiting for my next classes, and I would just constantly blame myself for my lack of friends and the intensity of regret and shame I would feel every time I think about it would just bring me mental and physical pain, comparable to dull chest pains. No matter how hard I try to rationalize the painful and regretful situation I was in, I really just couldn’t explain why or how it all even happened. This constantly reminded me of the cases of Alice and Jim, which was brought up in one of our Soc Sci lectures under the topic of “The Feeling Self” because it describes the feeling of desperately wanting to be genuinely happy and content but having no idea as to how to achieve that level of contentment because as I’ve mentioned, I literally have no idea why I lost confidence and why I couldn’t go back to my old sociable self. I never really wanted to label the feeling as legitimate depression because despite all the hardships, I am still very much an optimistic person.

As time went by, I eventually got used to the “introvert life” because I really made an effort to accept the fact that I won’t be going back to my old sociable and confident self anytime soon. To put it in a more specifically and to give an example, I would constantly prepare myself in group member drafting because I knew for a fact that I would get drafted last or at least, one of the remaining few people in the drafting because, by that time, my block had already formed cliques and “barkada groups” which were more or less the sure groups already. I truly manifested the “being mode” because I basically accepted the underlying consequences of the situation I put myself into, which for me was one of the few ways I can actually develop as a person. The more days go by, the more I see and realize the pros of being an introvert. I started to acknowledge the peacefulness of being alone, not having to deal with issues regarding other people and not having to associate myself with pessimistic people. Basically, aside from feeling lonely, I was just physically alone with the comfort of my own self. It was a matter of cognitive change for me as I turned the potentially bad narrative into a good one. Obviously, there are still times wherein my heart and stomach just suddenly sink as I am briefly reminded of the cons of being an introvert but compared to the pain I felt in the initial part of the year, it has significantly decreased.

Thinking about it now, the pain and possible depression I experienced stemmed from a constant recurrent defense mechanism of denial and rationalization in my part. I was unconsciously denying the reality that the sudden change I went through, which origin until now is still unknown, will be stuck with me for a while. Aside from this, I also realized that I was prone to rationalizing the situation which really didn’t help and was probably one of the reasons why it got worse. I won’t even deny the fact that I did resort to regression during those times which unfortunately, still carried on until now as I mentioned that I still experience depressive thoughts regarding the subject. Putting all these aside, I still believe that it is healthy that I acknowledge the reasons why I was / am suffering and I am hopeful that this will help me slowly recover. I am also hopeful that I won’t be stuck being an introvert because I know for a fact that being extroverted, being the noisiest one in class, being the class clown, and being one of the main sources of happiness in spaces of social interaction is the real me and that is something I will try my best to work on, probably in sophomore year when I’ve finally sorted out all of the issues regarding my mental health.

For my Binhi program, I decided to take the AGBO4 session in COPAP Sta. Mesa as I initially thought that it would consist of a visit to a retirement home, or anything of the like, when I heard from the formators that we would be meeting a lot of elderly people. This wasn’t really the case for me and I had to change how I initially planned to approach the area, on the spot. I eventually realized that instead of visiting a retirement home, we visited a barangay, probably in the lower class to lower-middle class range in terms of their social status, wherein the majority of the people living there are senior citizens. The area was quite cramped as the streets were really narrow and a lot of people constantly passed through the streets, attending to their jobs and families living in the many different and unique homes. The houses in the area looked really old and they were also quite small as compared to the houses in my own village. As we were walking there, I couldn’t help but compare the area to the areas I spend most of my time in such as my own village, Katipunan, lower Antipolo, etc. and I could say that in a way, I was culture shocked.

After a short walk from the jeepney parking area, we were asked to sit down by the side of the street where there were a lot of monobloc chairs. This is where the “Head Nanay” introduced herself to us and gave us a brief introduction regarding the barangay and she also mentioned a lot of expectations we Ateneans must be aware of. Aside from this, she and my formator also told us our main tasks in the area just to remind us again of our main goals for the program, even if it has been repeated many times in our pre-Binhi processing sessions. This really says a lot about how much they value the program and that we students should be fully engaged in it. After the introductions and reminders, we were then paired up with our fellow Binhi-mates and we were brought to our assigned houses. My partner and I were then brought to a house wherein we met the homeowner, Nanay Lillian. I immediately felt the comforting aura Nanay Lillian possessed after just a brief introduction of ourselves to each other. She politely offered us to sit as she excused herself to go to the bathroom to fix herself and make herself more “presentable” as she insisted. As I was sitting in her quaint living room beside my partner, I noticed how “crazy” the whole first floor of her house was. She had a lot of furniture but none of them really matched, valuable photos and images can be seen everywhere, and it was generally really colorful as she had a lot of decorations in the house, some were even decorations from past occasions and events such as Christmas and Birthday Parties. Despite the heat due to the lack of air-conditioning, my partner and I still felt comfortable because of the warm and positive vibes the ambiance of the house was giving off.

What I recalled during our pre-processing session for Binhi was that all we had to do was act natural, be respectful, and strike a wholesome conversation with our “Nanays”. This is exactly what my partner and I did and I want to believe that we were successful in doing so as there was never a dull moment in our conversations with Nanay Lillian and it seemed as if she was really enjoying and that she was actually engaged in whatever we were talking about. In connection to this, I would like to mention the fact that my partner and I also enjoyed our conversation with Nanay Lillian because we learned a lot of stuff about her and she can probably say the same for us. We were able to talk about topics regarding our childhood lives to topics regarding our everyday lives and how we are all doing in our current state. Nanay Lillian really opened our eyes as she talked about the hardships she faced when she experienced unemployment and she also mentioned how much she had to sacrifice just to be able to live in a decent house. My partner and I were in awe of the things she said, the things she sacrificed and this is the reason why I said that my Binhi experience was successful. We were able to engage Nanay Lillian to a point wherein she was comfortable enough to talk to us about really personal stuff and at the same time, we were also comfortable enough to talk about our own lives and hardships with her. The experience was really touching and heart warming.

After the program, I was able to reflect upon the conversation we had with Nanay Lillian and the whole experience in the barangay and this reflection really made me look at the world through a new perspective. My life and Nanay Lillian’s life, from birth to present time developed and went by in very different and unique ways and it made me see the evidence of the differences between our present lives now. For instance, she grew up in a family wherein her parents weren’t really that fortunate in terms of employment and this really took a toll in how Nanay Lillian lived her childhood. She wasn’t able to experience the pleasures I experienced as a child, coming from a family in which whose parents have always worked in decent paying jobs. Another good example can be the differences in the roles we filled in our lives growing up. Being in a less fortunate family, she mentions that at a young age, she really had to find ways to support her parents financially while on the other hand, I never had to do anything like that. I was always “spoon fed” by my parents and I never really had to work for my money as they would constantly give me money for my needs in school and sometimes, I would even save some of the excess money for my own wants. This really comes to show how me and Nanay Lillian’s difference of environment and “conditions of existence” growing up really does effect our contemporary status.

As a homegrown Atenean, I really didn’t expect much from Binhi because I have been through a lot of similar programs and activities throughout my elementary and high school life. I was honestly expecting it to be almost meaningless, which is something i’m not proud of mentioning. I’m really happy though because after the Binhi experience, I didn’t really feel like it was a repetitive thing because I realized that all the people I’ve met, in all of the times I did something similar to this, have different stories to tell and I acknowledged the fact that personally, I will never really get tired of hearing other people’s life stories. I find it interesting how our different environments in our lives really gravely affects our contemporary lives and I believe that understanding this is really detrimental in trying to accept and respect different types of people. I am really thankful for the experience because it really has made me open my eyes once again to a new perspective in life, and to be more specific, that in the life of wonderful, unique, and amazing people like Nanay Lillian.

I’ve been faced with many situations wherein I had to decide what to do and most of the time, doing one of them means either sacrificing something I want or neglecting my own morals. I would like to admit that I usually choose the latter because this is a consequence of something I would rather do for more superficial and selfish reasons. To make things clearer, an example could be me choosing video games over studying despite the fact that I have a lot of tests and requirements coming up. Because of this, even if I did have fun playing video games, I would still have to face the consequences of getting low grades.

Now that I’m already in college and already a legitimate adult, I feel like I should be more mature with my decisions and that opting for doing the right thing over the ‘fun’ thing is crucial for my development as a mature individual. I need to be ready for the challenges college has for me and the fact that I’m still letting my childish desires get the best of me is really not helping.

For me to actually mature, I would need to change. I need to start making sacrifices for the sake of my well-being and I need to learn how to keep it as a norm for the long-term. I will eventually feel the impact of my ignorance and naivety regarding the negative effects of my actions and I should really start changing as soon as possible.

As Narayana Murthy brilliantly quotes:
“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong. “

The week was very life-depleting. It was considered as one of our “hell weeks” as most of our long tests were scheduled within the week and we also received the results from our past long tests. I was really deprived of long, healthy sleep because all of my long tests during the week required heavy reading and reviewing. I barely had time for myself. I had little to no rest and to add to my suffering, I have weight training every 2-3 pm of Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Going home knowing that I have to stay up to study while having recurring pain all over my body was just so exhausting.

As I mentioned, we also got back some of our test results from last week and that was also very depressing. I got a fairly low score in my math LT and I badly failed my LT in theology. I was really disappointed in myself but at the same time, enraged because I knew that it was going to be hard for me to pull up my grades, especially considering my schedule.

I learned that I had to make changes to my priorities immediately after all the negative things I experienced during the week. I have to find a way to stay energized even after PE on MWFs to be able to study and I have to stop procrastinating. It’s really hard for me to focus in studying especially when I am mentally and physically tired which is why I resort to using my phone because I know that studying in that state would be useless. At most times, I end up studying at around 10-11 pm, or when I feel that my mind is ready to take in heavy loads of information, which is why I am deprived of sleep.

I am not looking forward to the other coming hell weeks because it’s evident how unhealthy they are to the mental and physical health of students. 5 days straight of workload while having to wake up at 5 am every morning and getting home late every night will never be helpful for my grades and for my health. I hope that the school listens to the people who advocate for lessening the workload because it is important to keep the students healthy. There are days where sec walk basically looks like a zombie land because everyone’s so tired and drained and I hope that this won’t continue in the school year.

This week wasn’t too different compared to previous ones but there are still some things worth talking about.

Monday to Wednesday was basically me skimming through a bunch of readings hoping to have enough understanding to perform well in coming quizzes. Again, I made sure to make some time for friends because 24hrs straight of doing school work isn’t exactly healthy, at least for me.

With Valentines coming up, I made sure to buy some of my close friends some roses just to put smiles on their faces during the long tiring day and having spent the 14th with a few of the H-boys and some ASHS friends, I think it’s safe for me to say that Valentines was quite delightful.

Friday was also a very fulfilling day because we were dismissed early due to the infamous fire drill and in the evening, I attended a surprise party for one of my closest friends. For me, this was the perfect way to end the week because coming in to the the weekend happy is always a treat.